Alka Seltzer is Dangerous
by Madame Blueberry
Summary: I actually updated! Stupid chapter but oh well.Two idiots fall into middle earth while melting candles in sacrifice! WARNING:this is tripe and Sam lovers should not read!
1. An incident with a clothes dryer

Disclaimer: "we don't own them. We've never seen them. This is Blueberry's story even though I'm helping her type it," says Mock turtle.

"Hi" says Blueberry, "How are you?"

To begin our story (sneeze)

It was a cold foggy day in the cold foggy forest of Mirkwood. Of course, Angelica and Montaz were nowhere near Middle-Earth because they were sitting in a rather large kitchen somewhere in New Hampshire, where the weather channel does not tell them the barometric pressure in other dimensions. As for the weather in New Hampshire, 'it was slightly cold with gray skies' as said by Kaprillion on channel eight news. 

Now as to what the two girls were doing sitting in a large kitchen in New Hampshire, they were writing a fanfic., a really bad fanfic, while melting candles in sacrifice to the holy fellowship. All in all, this involved quite a bit of smelly candles and ritual chanting when suddenly the dryer went off but in the end of it all they still had a really bad fanfic and wrinkly clothes. As for what was contained in this really bad fanfic, no one really knows because they were sucked into a vortex in the clothes dryer which oddly brought them to Middle-earth where no paper no pen, and no, not even laptop could be found. And come to think of it, had they found a laptop in Middle-earth, they would not have had a battery to recharge it with. And also they left the stove on, causing all their papers to burn at a degree of 451 degrees Fahrenheit. Considering all of this, we will attempt to relate their story to you, the reader, in as overly exaggerated a manner as humanly possible. 

"Behold," said Montaz, "we are in a vortex where we will travel to some unknown dimension which will most likely end up bringing us to Middle-earth."

"Alas, I did not pack my running shoes, nor my little poodle Tofu left to me by my late great grandmother, Erma," said Angelica.

And down they fell, although they had to stop and ask for directions many times. Boinky!

"Oh," says Montaz, "I do hope we do not land on Sam for he is such a frail little gay hobbit and in doing so we should surely crush him and his little pony too!"

"Curiouser and curisouer," said Angelica as they landed on Sam causing him to squeal like a little flatulent chipmunk.

"Oye vay!" declared Montaz, "I was hoping to land on Boromir or at least on his fair brother Faramir."

"And I," Angelica did beseech, "on Legolas."

(Not that we know what beseech means but it was such a groovy word that we just had to use it)

"Well, yes short chapter," Mock turtle agrees, "But if you review my lovely charming friends awesome and lovely work, she will make it much much much longer."

Quote Blueberry: "aloha!"

"I wish to state that my friend is not out of her mind but she did indeed let her prescription overlapse, and is in dire need of her medication," says Mock turtle. 


	2. Sam's ailments

Disclaimer: read the last one.

While this lovely conversation was taking place, neither of the girls had realized that they were still crushing Sam who was no longer squealing like a flatulent chipmunk but gasping for air like a beached whale. The company which Sam was traveling with, which was obviously the fellowship as you should know if you have read any of these fanfics, was too shocked by the sudden appearance of two teenage girls wearing knickers (don't ask I really don't know why they were wearing knickers in the first place) to realize that Sam was slowly being suffocated to death and was turning a lovely shade of eggplant.

After recovering from their shock, the members of the fellowship contemplated removing the girls who were sitting atop of Sam because without him, there would be no one to talk to Bill or contemplate their lack of rope. Come to think of it, they really didn't need Sam at that point however, I'm sure that Frodo would have begged to differ but that is not the point.

Anyway, Legolas did convince the fellowship to remove the knicker wearing girls from Sam who had now ceased all breathing and was more of a deep plum then eggplant. After this occurred, the fellowship and the two girls sat arguing about who would give Sam mouth to mouth for none of them wished to revive him in that despicable manner. Frodo bravely volunteered but we all know why and that's beside the point. He was always a little queer anyway. We believe he got it from the Took side of the family or from spending his youth in Buckland. Anyway, Frodo revived the ailing Sam to everyone's disgust and Frodo's happiness (mind you). Sam spent the rest of the journey hacking up his hobbity little lungs. He should really get some nicotine patches to get over his pipe-weed cravings, which would not be conducive for his respiratory health.

Some how the girls managed to introduce themselves without spewing drool all over Boromir, Legolas, and Strider. Angelica reminded Montaz that the hunky man she was drooling over (actually on his boots to be precise) was about to be impaled like a pin-cushion to which Montaz replied that once Boromir had 'kicked the can' she could have his hunkier brother Faramir all to herself. At this point the fellowship decided to settle down and throw a couple of faggots on the fire by which we do not mean Frodo and Sam (no offence to anyone with alternative sexual preferences). During the ensuing dinner conversation, Angelica and Montaz related their story of sacrificing candles and falling into a clothes dryer while worshipping the holy fellowship which they were now gladly a part of.

After this, the girls described some of the more graphic NC-17 lord of the rings fanfics they had read to Legolas' disgust and Boromir's fascination. Sam and Frodo were obviously unmoved by this and were more interested in watching the six foot blonde elf plugging his ears with his fingers and muttering about 'uncouth shedevils'.

The next morning, Montaz was severely wishing that she had worn something other than her knickers that although did fit rather snuggly, did not seem to appeal to Boromir at all. Angelica was worrying about her little poodle Tofu and wishing that she had her drum sticks with which she would beat continuously on Sam's thick little skull in hopes that he would refrain from his incessant hacking. However there will be no instruments falling from the sky in this fanfic. No my friends, to find that you will have to read 'Flat beverage' by Mock Turtle who is kindly typing this up for her friend Madame Blueberry who has a disease in which she is required to type with only two fingers. And yes, her medication is still overlapsing and she is still locked in Mock turtle's computer room being forced to write against her will.

"splonky!" declares Blueberry for some odd reason for that is her word of the day. Yesterdays was deciduous which is a type of forest she believe however her brain is frozen with moth balls somewhere in an attic in New Hampshire she'll have to find it someday because it would be useful for her Theology test on Tuesaday.


	3. Towards Caradhras

Disclaimer: See first chapter  
  
Despite Angelica's fervent wishing, no objects fell from the sky with which she could render Sam unconscious. The odious hobbit remained in his sorry wheezing state for the next few chapters and even the noble woodland elf could eventually be heard cursing under his breath in hopes of Sam's long and preferably painful decapitation.   
  
The fellowship was getting steadily more agitated with Montaz, for as of late she had taken to stalking Boromir and humming 'Mmmbop' repeatedly while drooling on his boots. By the third chorus his boots were caked with an inch of drool and Boromir discovered that there are only so many times one can hear that song without feeling a deep rooted urge to vomit. (No offense to anyone who likes Hanson, they're really talented I just find Mmmbop nauseating)  
  
Angelica, who prefered to be called Angie, was also become quite a royal pain in the ass, as she was currently attempting to explain Ghandi's principles of Satyagraha to a thoroughly perplexed Frodo, after which she went into You Should Really Try Soynuts Because Even If They Taste Like Cheap Plywood They're Good For You And Contain No Animal Muscles. Because no one in the fellowship was remotely interested in her vegetarian views, and quite frankly her voice sounded like that of a tipsy bluejay with a slight overbite, Gandalf told the young girl that she could starve herself for all he cared because there simply were no soynuts in Middle-earth so would she kindly shut her overly large and dropsical mouth so that he could hear himself think thank you very much.   
  
After pondering about this excessively long run-on sentance, Angie told Gandalf that it was a good thing that he would indeed be roasting in the caverns of Moria, otherwise he would be finding potassium cyanide in his miruvor. Having said this, Angie ran off wailing about her poor little Tofu all alone without his plaid sweater which was currently lying wrinked in the clothes dryer back home.  
  
The company continued traveling for the next couple of hours toward Caradhras without any thing interesting happening, other than the fact that Montaz had gotten tired of humming 'Mmmbop' and had now moved on to 'Murder of One' by the Counting Crows, much to the relief of the entire fellowship except Sam who seemed to prefer the latter.  
  
As they traveled Angie had gotten tired of sulking and fantasizing about poisoning Gandalf, and had decided that things could have been much worse so she had better not complain. After all, she could have been wandering around in Middle-earth without the company of Legolas. And considering the fact that she was traveling in Middle-earth with a really hot elf she should probably try talking to him. The conversation was going pretty well, (they were discussing how odd Sam was and wondering why he had a bizzarre fasination with rope) when Sam's lungs starting acting up and he was hacking and clutching his throat and rolling on the ground and running around like a constipated wiener dog. (I got the constipated wiener dog part from 'Albuquerque' by Weird Al so you can't say I plagerized)   
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Die you asinine hobbit! I can't take it anymore" shouted Montaz as she clenched the feeble hobbit's neck and thrashed his head against a rock. Actually, it was more the size of a boulder but that's irrelevant. "Die die die!"  
  
"Blech! Help me! Eek! I can't breath" squealed Sam sounding once again like a flatulent chipmunk.  
  
"Sam! Ohhh somebody do something! She's hurting him! Strider make her stop! I want My Mommy!" cried Frodo, who was tugging on Montaz's boot in an unallayed attempt and prying the one hundred and sixty-five pound knicker wearing girl from Sam.  
  
Indeed Sam would have perished had a enormus flock of crebain not flown over at that precise moment causing Aragorn to hiss "Lie flat and stay still!" While wrenching Sam from Montaz's bony fingers and pulling him into a holly bush, thus saving his life for the second time in two days.   
  
After the crebain had passed, Sam, being as dull-witted is he is, realized that he was no longer being suffocated and pummeled to death by an infuriated sixteen year old girl. He also realized that Aragorn had saved his life, so Sam started hugging and thanking him profusely. All of this had the effect of making Aragorn very uncomfortable and Frodo very jealous.   
  
"Amorphism!" says Blueberry for that is her word of the day. (She hasn't the vaguest idea what that means) She has managed to escape from Mock Turtle's computer room and has taken only her perscribed medication, both of which have the unpleasant result of making her fanfic more boring. 


	4. More of Sam's ailments and Legolas discu...

Several days later, Montaz's homicidal urges had not subsided. Since then there had been four more attempts at putting the snuffling hobbit out of his misery, most of which either involed cyanide in his food or lighting his underwear on fire while it was still occupied. While none of these attempts had been deadly, Sam did end up scalded in some very painful places, not to mention the fact that the various poisons had the unplesant result of causing him to spasm wildly like an infurated tortoise in need of some ritalin with no warning whatsoever. Although come to think of it, why would anyone bother saying "Watch out I'm about to spasm wildly like an infuated tortoise!" It would actually be kind of redundant because when they started spasming like infuriated tortoises three seconds later it would be kinda obvious.   
  
Anyhow, Boromir took pity on the spasming hobbit and bound and gagged Montaz with hair scrunchies. (he would have used rope except Sam didn't bring any) If Montaz had been able to sing with hair scrunchies in her mouth, she would have been singing the song from Mulan that goes "Lets get down to business to defeat the huns, did they send me daughters when I asked for sons," however she couldn't so she contented herself with the fact that she was Boromir was actually touching her, even if she was being dragged in the dirt behind him and her knickers were getting all muddy and that she had enough twigs lodged in her matted hair to be considered a national forest.  
  
Sam was very relieved at this fact and considering that Montaz could not possibly harm him in her current state, he ran around in circles screaming   
  
"Montaz is a booger covered snot wad! Montaz is a booger cover snot wad! Montaz is a boog..."   
  
when suddenly he started spasming with no warning whatsoever and was rolling around coughing and flailing his scrawny flea infested limbs for the next half hour or so. At which point he went back to circling Montaz shouting  
  
"...ger covered snot wad!..."  
  
"Well that was odd," said Angelica  
  
"I agree my lady, booger and snot are synonyms, therefore it is unnecessary to use them both in that phrase. If Sam had been wailing 'Montaz is a phlegm covered snot wad' it would have made much more sense" replied Legolas soberly.   
  
Normally Angelica would have thought this commentary was disgusting, however even phlegm and snot sound charming when spoken by a six foot tall blonde elf.   
  
" True, phlegm would have been a better word. However, what can you expect from a pimple-y hobbit who can't even remember to bring a simple piece of rope." She replied.  
  
"Yes, pity that cyanide didn't finish him off. His wheezing and screaming is not pleasant to my elvish ears." said Legolas.  
  
"Well, Frodo will end up going in to Mordor with him, and he'll actually play a very important role in the story. " said Montaz thoughtfully.  
  
"How is it that you know this milady? Can you see into the future?"  
  
"Of course not stupid, I read the spark notes." retorted Angie, leaving the elf to ponder what "spark notes" are, while watching Sam run in circles.   
  
AN: Yes boring stupid chapter, I know. I just thought it was funny to have Lego talking about boogers and phlegm. Oh, well. Please review and help me! I need ideas! Or you can e-mail me if you prefer. 


	5. More pointless tripe involving little or...

Disclaimer: I, Madame Blueberry, own nothing in my pathetic and pointless tripe filled story except my feeble plot and moronic characters Montaz, Angelica, and Tofu. I would like to withdraw my request for ideas because Laurien has kindly pointed out that I need more help than I can afford. And by the way, I can not take more of my much needed medication because I would likely overdose and die a horrible death. Which of course wouldn't bother Laurien at all because I am a pathetic worthless author of tripe. Although I cannot begin to fathom why a someone like Laurien would bother to read a story titled "Alka Seltzer is Dangerous" with a summary like the one it has unless she likes to go around flame-ing people with odd senses of humor but oh well. I've never been good at understanding others. My psychiatrist says Paxil should help that, but he has always been a little left of center so I don't know if I should... what on earth was I trying to say? Don't remember anyway, yes on with the story.  
  
  
  
Legolas of course had no idea what spark notes are, and if he had been able to ask Sam (who was still chanting "Montaz is a booger covered snot wad") Sam would not have known either. As amusing as watching Sam acting like a moron is (much the way Madame Blueberry acts when she has had too much Doctor Pepper and Sour Patch Kids) Bill decided enough was enough and sat on the exasperating hobbit until he ceased screaming.  
  
"I always knew that horse would be useful someday," said Gandalf as Sam sat up looking rather befuddled.  
  
As it was getting late, they decide to camp there for the night. Legolas and Gimli, being very violent disturbed individuals had volunteered to go kill something for dinner. Angelica of course would never eat anything that at one point had lungs, and spent nearly forty-five minutes trying to explain to Gandalf that it did not matter if the lungs had been removed or not. She ended up eating boiled tree bark, which had the adverse effect of causing her to become very queasy and flatulent for the next few hours. This however did not prevent her from having a lovely funeral complete with eulogy for the remaining animal carcass. It would have been very touching too if at that very moment Montaz had not escaped from the hair scrunchies binding her. She immediately started singing the first song that popped into her head.  
  
"Well I'm an old duck grover from out in Montana,  
  
Round up them duckys and bring em along  
  
To a flooded coral where we bulldog and brand em  
  
And mosey on home just a-singing this song...  
  
Singing quack quack yippee a  
  
Quack quack yippee oh  
  
Get along little duckys get along real slow  
  
They're dirty and smelly and really don't pay  
  
But I'll be a duck girl till the end of my day!  
  
On Saturday night I ride into town  
  
On my long-legged pony with my hat pulled way down  
  
But the boys don't like duck girls  
  
I can't figure why,  
  
No cowgirl could be more romantic than I!  
  
Singing... Oh damn. I forgot the rest of the words." She exclaimed grabbing her cell phone to call her three-year-old niece Amery who had taught her that song.  
  
"Amery! This is me, Auntie Montaz, remember the song you..."  
  
"Wow, I didn't know cell phones could work between two dimensions," Angelica said wishing she hadn't melted hers during their ritual sacrificing. She really wished she could order a vegetarian pizza. "I wonder if delivery boys can travel to other dimensions." She wondered aloud.  
  
Montaz finished her conversation with Amery and was now sitting by the fire talking to Gimli, Sam, Frodo, Legolas and Boromir. Gandalf had run off into the woods with Aragorn and Montaz did not even want to think about what they were doing. She didn't think Arwen would have liked to think about it either. Anyway,  
  
"How can someone so young as yourself have a niece?" asked Boromir.  
  
"Well, you see" replied Montaz, "My twin sister Elizabellabethia who lives in Tokyo got pregnant when she was thirteen. She named her daughter Amery. She's always claimed it was immaculate conception, but I'm not so sure because every time there's a full moon Amery's head starts spinning around and she starts spewing split pea soup. Her mother keeps saying she has a mild allergic reaction to the atmospheric pressure or something. I don't know. In about twelve years you'll meet her because she'll fall into Middle- earth in "Flat Beverage" by Mock Turtle and she'll fall in love with Sam and then run of into the woods with him."  
  
"Ewwwwwyyyyyyyy" cried Sam. "I don't wanna kiss a girl!"  
  
"Shut up you blubbering fool! No one asked for your opinion." Said Angie. "It will happen whether you like it or not!"  
  
"How do you know that it will happen?" asked Legolas "And how could this exact moment happen again twelve years from now with different people present?"  
  
"Because the Omnipotent Fanfic Authors wish it to be so." Montaz replied matter-of-factly.  
  
"Everyone knows that."  
  
*Wow, Montaz looks really hot with all those twigs in her hair* thought Frodo gazing at her fondly. *And she uses such interesting vocabulary. She's got such hairy feet for a human!*  
  
*Ewwwww* thought Montaz *Frodo is staring at me! He can't possibly like me! He's queer! Maybe I have a booger hanging out of my nose.*  
  
*WHAT IN THE NAME OF PIPE WEED IS FRODO STARING AT MONTAZ FOR!* Sam thought *First the little hussy has to try to kill me and then she goes after my hobbit! I want my mommy!*  
  
Sam suddenly ran off into the woods bawling, when suddenly he tripped over Gandalf. The sight of Gandalf wearing considerably less clothing than he normally does was enough to scar the timid little hobbit for life and send him screaming off back to the campsite.  
  
He cried "Oh the humanity! Cruel fate why have you tortured me so!"  
  
This is the end of the chapter. Thank you for reading so far. If you would like to review and tell me how much you detest my wretched tripe please refrain because it will kill my small self-esteem and cause me to spend more money on counseling. On the rare chance that you actually found this plotless story mildly entertaining please feel free to review though, and keep reading because there are Oompaloompas in chapter seven! 


	6. Frodo likes Montaz!

Disclaimer: If you think I wrote LotR you need more medication than I do.  
  
A/N: I don't hate Sam. I strongly dislike him. Hate is a word I prefer to use to describe the intense loathing Montaz feels towards Sam. I simply feel that Sam is an annoying and stupid hobbit who deserves to be tortured as much as humanly possible. Yes, scary. Cool. I enjoy scaring people. I told a guy on my bus that I crucify small mammals and make bombs. Some people are really gullible. Anyhow, on with the story. Oh and by the way, it is not a good idea to pet a dog that has just had tick medication put on his neck.  
  
The fellowship sat staring dumbly at Sam who had just run into the forest bawling only to run back screaming and attempting to gauge his eyes out. This was rather humorous considering that he was using a bobby pin and had only managed to lodge it firmly between his eyelid and his retina.  
  
"Hey! He can't do that! Its no fun to torture someone who can do a perfectly good job of tormenting themselves!" cried Montaz as she pulled the bobby pin out of his eyeball. (causing a pulsing spurt of blood to gush from it)  
  
"Ahhhhhhhh put it back! Put it back! Put it back!" shrieked Sam. "Ohhh Omnipotent Fanfic Authors! Put me out of my misery!" He shouted waving his hands in the air.  
  
At this point, he was hit on the head by dozens of small packages.  
  
"Take cover! Run for your life!" wailed Legolas. (Isn't it odd how blonde elves can still manage to be really hot while screaming like girls?)  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Montaz. "We are all gonna die! And I never even folded the laundry!"  
  
"I'll save you Montaz!" screeched Frodo, shielding her from the falling debris.  
  
"The Fanfic Authors love me!" shouted Angelica. "Its raining soy products!" she exclaimed while stuffing her backpack with frozen soy ice cream and vegan muffins.  
  
Slowly the others began to realize that the soy products would not kill them. Sam unfortunately did not get put out of his misery. Angie soon realized that frozen Soy Delicious cookie sandwiches would melt when kept in her backpack and Aragorn and Gandalf emerged from the woods several minutes later looking quite disheveled and sweaty after getting their freak on.  
  
The next day they started to climb Caradhas (took long enough didn't it?) and as we all know it started to snow and everyone was acting all bitchy except Legolas because he's all hot and blonde and can walk on snow. Actually, Frodo didn't seem to mind the snow both because Montaz had been talking to him and because she decided to carry him. He seemed quite content merrily humming the Duck Girl song Montaz had sung at the funeral in the last chapter.  
  
"Hmmmmmm hmmmmmmm hmmmmmm! Giddy up horsy faster!" He cried.  
  
"Geeeeeesshhhhhh! You weigh like a hundred kilos! How many breakfasts do you eat?" sighed Montaz halfheartedly.  
  
"Ooohhh Miss High and Mighty Montaz has to go and use the metric system!" taunted Angie.  
  
"Well," said Montaz, "we all know the metric system is preferred by scientists and provides an international system of standard weight, length and volume. Plus, It makes things far less complicated to ship goods internationally."  
  
"Wow, how on Earth do you manage to stay awake in Mr. Juniper's class?" asked Angie  
  
"Who is Mr. Juniper?" inquired Frodo.  
  
"Mr. Juniper is a pedophile who used to be our science teacher. He had a strange tendency to stare down girls' shirts and hug his students. I still have nightmares about him yodeling that time we went on that class camping trip." replied Montaz. "He taught us about the metric system."  
  
"Wow, maybe you can teach me about the metric system sometime." said Frodo while staring down Montaz's shirt.  
  
"You two have some major problems! Frodo, incase you haven't noticed, she's only what, two or three feet taller than you are!" said Montaz disgustedly.  
  
"So! We both have really furry feet! And besides! You were drooling over Legolas and he's like two or three thousand years older than you!" retorted Frodo, still staring down Montaz's shirt.  
  
Sam who had been trudging through the snow grumbling about how the bobby pin had frozen to his eyelid, suddenly noticed Frodo staring down Montaz's shirt and started running over (very slowly because he is, of course, fat and stupid)  
  
"Frodo! What are you doing! You promised you were MY hobbit!" he shouted angrily. "You're cheating on me aren't you! I saw the way you were staring at her feet! What does she have that I don't" he wailed sounding very much like an overly plump Pomeranian (believe me I have one, they whine)  
  
"She has those," Frodo said pointing down Montaz's shirt.  
  
"Ewwwwwyyyyy!" screamed Montaz. "I hardly know you, you little pervert! Stop looking down my shirt! Dende save us!"  
  
"Ummm, Montaz, this is not a Dragon Ball Z fic. No Dende in Middle-earth."  
  
"Oh. Nevermind then." Said Montaz. 


	7. Tainted Alka Seltzer and 'Kick the Sam'

1 Disclaimer: Don't own it  
  
A/N Thank you to all the lovely people who didn't think this sucked!  
  
Montaz continued carrying Frodo, only because none of the others wanted him looking down their shirts, and Sam continued wheezing after them like my pathetic little Pomeranian who needs to be kicked in the rump every half hour or so just to be sure that his blood is still circulating. Anyhow, Angie decided to make snow shoes out of her stale vegan soy muffins (they're practically indestructible!) so she could walk on the snow with Legolas. They were having a lovely tête-à-tête in which Angie was explaining the proper sticking for a double paradiddle and a ratamaque, her two favorite drummers rudiments, and Legolas was silently calculating ways he might be able suffocate her in a nearby snow bank. Gandalf and Boromir decided that this storm would be "the death of the halflings" which caused Merry and Pippin to go off on a long and winded speech about political correctness and how "halfling" was an offensive term.  
  
Then as we all know Gandalf picked up a faggot and lit it on fire while Montaz taught them how to play 'kick the can' until all the faggots were burnt to a crisp. They were unable to find a suitable can considering that aluminum was very scarce in those parts of Hollin, but Sam had blacked out due to the bobby pin in his retina, so they played 'kick the Sam' instead. The hobbits weren't very skilled at this game because their feet, while hairy, were not large enough to roll the portly pansy more than two inches at a time. Gandalf was doing very well until he tripped over his beard and landed on top of the burning faggots and ended up ruining his best pointy hat. Montaz was indeed the best at 'kick the Sam' and managed to end up rolling him all the way down the mountain. Legolas then 'sprang forth nimbly' to fetch the sun and the hobbit who had rolled out of bounds. After an hour he came back.  
  
" I have not brought the hobbit, he is lying unconscious in the blue fields of the south. He was far too blubbery for an elf such as myself to carry, or else I may have fallen through the snow and ruined my hair. However," blabitty blab blab blab and he went on sounding all poetic and dreamy about the 'white coverlet to cool a hobbits toes' until Gimli started growling and thinking loudly to himself.  
  
*Speaking of toes, I wonder if the Omnipotent Fanfic Authors would grant me some One Step Wart Remover, or at least some Odor Eaters.*  
  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH" screamed three anonymous people falling from the sky like dead walruses with short attention spans, if dead walruses could scream that is.  
  
The three little people landed with a thud in the coverlet of snow and promptly stood up looking rather obtuse.  
  
"Aaaahhhhhhh!" wailed Angelica. "The Omnipotent Fanfic Authors have sent evil little green haired midgets to kill us! Head for the hills!" And she ran around in a panicking state of shock until Legolas chucked a large wad of burnt faggot ash at her.  
  
"Silence you insolent fool!" roared Montaz "They aren't midgets! They're Oompaloompas!" All other words were incomprehensible as she then started laughing hysterically and rolling on the ground.  
  
"Oh no! She's going insane!" cried Frodo. "No! Montaz don't leave me like this! Some one save her!"  
  
Well, as it turns out, the anonymous midgets were Oompaloompas (named Barty, Mindle, and Drangle) and also happened to be door to door Alka Seltzer salesmen. Frodo bought some hoping it would help Montaz to regain sanity. Anyway, the Alka Seltzer was tainted and Montaz went into a coma, Frodo ran around bawling and they still couldn't find Sam.  
  
Around this time, a band of murderous orcs ran up the mountain flailing their big pointy objects used to chop limbs off with. The orcs, being more homicidal than Montaz (when not in a coma) terrified the living daylights out of the hobbits who were all hiding behind Bill. Legolas got to shoot his arrows and Gimli got to flail his big pointy thing and chop their heads off. Suddenly the orcs noticed Barty, Mindle and Drangle and started to bow down and chant in an odd tongue. Apparently either the orcs spoke Oompaloompa-ish, or the Oompaloompas spoke orcish because they had a long animated conversation resulting in the orcs consuming all of the tainted Alka Seltzer. Then the orcs carried the Oompaloompas away into the forest.  
  
"That was peculiar," said Gandalf.  
  
"Aye," said Gimli. "How come Angelica got her soy products, but when I wished for wart remover all I got was some basket-case midgets with tainted medicinal products!"  
  
"Midgets! I wouldn't be talking Mr. Shorty Pants Dwarf Butt!" jeered Boromir.  
  
"At least I'm taller than Frodo!"  
  
"Well, that's not saying much!"  
  
A/N: okay, stupid chapter, no plot I know oh well. School Break and I'm bored and desperately need some Pixy Sticks to inspire me once again. 


	8. Tea with a cult of evil Oompaloompas

Disclaimer: Do I really have to put one of these on every chapter? I don't own LotR or Alka Seltzer, Wonka, or One Step Wart Remover.  
  
A/N I have nothing against people with green hair or midgets by the way. Green hair is pretty cool. I tried to dye my gerbil green once. It didn't work very well. I think he had an allergic reaction to the food coloring. I would like to thank Starbrat, Morgul Queen, the Golden Dragon, Switchedfreak, Xiafeng, and Picket Fence/Mock Turtle for reivewing! ^_^  
  
The argument between Gimli and Boromir lasted about four hundred and seventy four seconds at which point they realized that all the other members of the fellowship had left. Except for Sam who had mysteriously gone missing several seconds after rolling down the mountain.  
  
They staggered on down the mountain in search of the rest of the fellowship, only to find them sitting in a clearing having tea and crumpets with a troop of Orcs and Barty, Mindle and Drangle.  
  
*Odd, I've never known Legolas to fall asleep during tea time.* Thought Gimli while staring at the elf who was lying face down in a platter of jam. Well, technically it was strawberry preserves, but if you really care about that then you have a far greater attention span than I do.  
  
"Ah, Gimli, won't you join us?" asked Gandalf in an unusually perky voice.  
  
"Yes, Gimli, do have some tea!" said Bill.  
  
"TEA, TEA, TEA!" they all chanted simultaneously. Actually, the Orcs may have been chanting something different, only the Oompaloompas spoke Orcish so we'll never really know.  
  
"I'll have some tea! Do you have any Earl Grey?" asked Boromir.  
  
"Certainly my child, drink the tea, it will make you feel all better." said Mindle, Barty and Drangle sounding like creepy televangelists who think they can heal people.  
  
*Wait a second,* thought Gimli *since when do Orcs eat crumpets. I've never heard Bill talk before. Ahhhhh! They've put tainted Alka Seltzer in the tea! They're all going insane! Something is rotten in the state of Hollin!*  
  
"Nooooo!" he screamed, watching Boromir drink of the putrid beverage. He dove through the air in slow motion knocking the porcelain teacup out of Boromir's hand.  
  
"Ahhhh! He broke the sacred Teacup of Wonka!"  
  
"Yes! Get them my children! They have wronged!" cried the Oompaloompas.  
  
Suddenly Gandalf, Bill, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Frodo and Angelica stood up and started to run towards Gimli and Boromir screaming:  
  
"Avenge the Teacup! Avenge the Teacup! Avenge the Teacup!"  
  
(Sam, Legolas and Montaz were all lying unconscious in platters of assorted preserves and cheeses, and were therefore unable to participate in the massacre.)  
  
*What would Gloin do?* pondered the doomed dwarf. *I know! Call the manufacturers!*  
  
He hastily ran to Montaz's side and grabbed her cell phone from her backpack.  
  
Unfortunately, Gimli did not possess intelligence greater than that of a small pine needle, and could not find the large red button on the front reading 'ON'  
  
"Damn you evil technology!" he shouted while chucking the pigheaded cell phone at the nearest crumpet platter. Without warning, the 'ON' button brushed against an overly stale crumpet and Gimli was able to make a phone call.  
  
"Hello, you've reached Bell Atlantic Mobile, please state the area code you are looking to call."  
  
"Hello! This is Gimli! Put the people who make Alka Seltzer on!"  
  
"That is not an area code. Please try again."  
  
"Then put the Omnipotent Fanfic Authors on!"  
  
"Oh. Alright then. ~~Bliiipppp~~"  
  
"Hello, you have reached the home of Madame Blueberry. She is currently at her friendly neighborhood psychiatrist's office and will not be available until she has been prescribed at least three new medications. Please leave an message after the beep." Droned the answering machine. "beeeeeeeeeeepppppp!"  
  
"Hello, Omnipotent Fanfic Author ma'am, this is Gimli, and ummm, we're all sort of in this clearing near Caradhas and everyone is trying to kill me and I'd really appreciate if you would kill them for me. Call me on Montaz's cell phone when you get the chance. Bye!"  
  
And he sat on the floral picnic blanket next to the lifeless forms of Legolas and Montaz watching Boromir struggle against the crazed idiots. Shortly after, Madame Blueberry called back reminding him that he had a big pointy object with which he could easily decapitate his friends, but that then he would have no one to argue with. Gimli agreed and they eventually decided that it would be best if Mme. Blueberry sent her evil-midget-pixys in to kill the Oompaloompas. As to why Madame Blueberry owns evil-midget- pixys, no one really knows. They live in her toaster and have highly toxic toenail clippings.  
  
"Alright Gimli, I'll send my pixys over. Good bye."  
  
"Wait, can I get some One Step Wart Remover? Please?" beseeched Gimli  
  
"No. Good bye."  
  
"Awwwwww," said Gimli "That sucks."  
  
"You can hang up the phone now Gimli."  
  
"But I don't know how."  
  
"See the big red button that says 'OFF' on the front?"  
  
"Oh. Bye then. ~~beep~~"  
  
Gimli sat watching the slaughter of Boromir waiting for Mme. Blueberry's evil-midget-pixys to arrive. Sure enough, thirty-four and a half seconds later four small glowing pixys fell from the sky and started shooting rotting toenails at the Oompaloompas. Barty, Mindle and Drangle ran to protect the remaining Sacred Teacups of Wonka and the pixys force-fed toenail clippings to the rest of the fellowship. Strangely enough, the fatal clippings seemed to undo the effects of the tainted Alka Seltzer. The pixys then waved their magic chopsticks and disappeared taking the Orcs and Oompaloompas with them.  
  
Legolas, Sam and yes even Montaz soon awoke, faces besmeared with preserves.(I don't really care if besmeared is a word or not and I don't feel like checking the dictionary) And all was well in Middle-earth. 


	9. Strawberry Preserves and Glass Shards

A/N: Howdy! Contrary to popular belief I have not been abducted by small woodland creatures and made to live in an underground cave filled with extravagant piles of vermin droppings. No, I have been in an extremely lazy state I like to call "SittingAtHomeWatchingWayTooManyChrisFarleyMoviesAndReadingSnape/HermioneBon dageFics-itis." This has not caused any permanent damage other then a sharp decrease in brain cell count. I hope to be update slightly more often then normal once I adjust to the idea of sacrificing 80 percent of my time to the Homework Gods. Where was I? Oh yeah, chapter nine. very short and boring because I feel rather uninspired but feel I should update lest Picketfence nag me for all eternity. Amazingly, still no actually plot.  
  
The fellowship and their knicker-wearing companions had just been saved by Madame Blueberry's evil-midget-pixys. Sam was scowling at Frodo and Montaz who were having an intimate moment involving vast amounts of leftover strawberry preserve. Boromir and Gandalf were trying to figure out whether or not it would be it would be physically possible for Frodo and Montaz to accomplish what they were attempting to do.  
  
"They are members of two different species, it doesn't work like that," said Gandalf.  
  
"Mechanically, Frodo is much shorter then Montaz," stated Boromir, "not that that matters all that much, cause I met this really short elf once at the Prancing Pony, she was awesome, and."  
  
"Elves aren't short."  
  
"Well, she was only like 12 years old anyway, she was 3'9" tall and."  
  
"Boromir, why would a twelve year old elf be alone at The Prancing Pony? Isn't that illegal?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
Meanwhile, halfway across the vast, ten-foot wide clearing, Angie, Gandalf and Aragorn were having an equally pointless discussion.  
  
"Gandalf, what the hell are you doing?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"We have to throw the Sacred Teacups of Wonka into Mount Doom with the ring so no one is corrupted by them again."  
  
"Yeah but keeping shards of broken glass in your pants isn't a very good idea, believe me, I've tried." Strider replied looking for all the world like he sincerely meant it.  
  
"You could knit a bag to put them in out of the fibers in soy McNuggets." Angie pondered while watching Frodo and Montaz. "They're kinda like rubbery yarn."  
  
"Why would you eat a product that feels like rubbery yarn?"  
  
"I got sick of eating government cheese when I was living in a van down by the river."  
  
"Oh. Where did Legolas go?" questioned Gandalf.  
  
It turns out that Legolas had wandered off into the forest with Montaz's cell phone, and had been calling a crisis help line for those unfortunate individuals who have begun to hyperventilate due to lack of hair de- tangling products. After forty three minutes the nice lady had persuaded him to breath deeply and made him promise not to get off the phone without assuring her that he would not shave his head  
  
A/N: Soon, after I've been caffinated, I will write a slightly better, longer and hopefully funnier chapter but I am too tired right now, so this one will have to be content with sucking. 


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